


Aftershock

by Kamikama



Series: Afterlife [2]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Loves Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, First Time, Healing, Hugs, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Ash Lynx's Past, Past Abuse, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Sequel, Sexual Tension, Soulmates, Tears, Therapy, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:48:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27930037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikama/pseuds/Kamikama
Summary: Ash Lynx finally has a chance to start a new life. However, he realizes that achieving that will take more than just wishing.--------------------A sequel to my first fic "Afterlife". Go check it out!
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Series: Afterlife [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045158
Comments: 48
Kudos: 112





	1. Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I finally had enough time to start the sequel to "Afterlife". If you haven't read it, I recommend that you read it first. I mention some events from there, but you can also read it as a standalone and ignore the references. 
> 
> This was waaaaaaaay more difficult to write than I thought. I know this is a sensitive and delicate topic, and I truly wanted to potray it to the best of my abilities. Also, huge trigger warnings for self-hatred, rape, abuse, and any other topic related to Banana Fish. This sequel will have quite some angst, but it will have a happy ending.

Ash looked around the white room. Dr. Lewis was sitting with her legs crossed in the small white armchair in front of him. The woman was probably in her mid-thirties, her curly brown hair was cut shoulder-length and she was dressed in what looked like a comfortable white linen dress shirt. Her warm olive skin tone helped to create a welcoming feeling for most people, but of course Ash Lynx was not like most people.

“How are you doing today, Ash?” the woman asked him. She was holding a notepad and a golden pen between her fingers.

Somehow the furniture and decorations seemed too neat for Ash, and it made him feel uneasy. He asked himself for the hundredth time why he had agreed to come in the first place.

“Good.” he replied coldly.

It had all started about a month ago when the nightmares returned again. It had been about three months since Eiji had got his memories back, but everything between them was more or less the same as before the incident. They were currently living in Ash’s condo; Eiji working as an assistant photographer for Ibe, and Ash was still taking care of some business with the gang. Changing your lifestyle completely is not something done overnight, and Eiji understood that. Max had offered Ash a position in the same field as him, as a literary critic. Ash liked the idea, but he was not ready yet to make a decision.

Relationship wise, they had taken things slow. Everything was still the same, save for the occasional peck on the lips before Eiji went to work, and the infinite amounts of cuddling in the weekends. They still slept in separate beds, but Ash would lift his covers up during nights he felt he needed Eiji closer. Eiji was happy with the invitation and would make sure to snuggle Ash up and keep him warm during cold nights.

However, the past couple of nights even Eiji’s presence was not enough to make Ash sleep peacefully. One night, Eiji had tried to wake him up softly grabbing his shoulder, but Ash had reacted by slapping his hand away and then waking up covered in sweat. He had apologized, and Eiji considered just forgetting about it. However, the nightmares continued day after day.

_ “It just doesn’t make sense…” Ash had told him as he tried to calm himself after one of those dreams. _

_ “What doesn’t?” Eiji asked rubbing his palm up and down over his back. _

_ “The nightmares. Dino’s dead, Foxx’s dead, Marvin’s dead, Kippard’s dead. I’m finally free… and yet I keep dreaming about them” _

_ “You thought the nightmares would disappear once they were dead?” Eiji asked slowly. _

_ “Well, yes… It made me sick to know they were still walking around alive. But now they’re gone… and I..” he tried to elaborate, still confused and frustrated with his own words. _

_ Eiji kept quiet and then said delicately “Ash, I think you should contact a professional…” _

_ “Oh no.” he responded quickly. “I’m not paying some bastard to pity me” _

_ “Ash, they can help you” he caressed his head. _

_ “I have you, Eiji…” he replied in a whisper, letting his forehead rest on the other boy’s shoulder. _

_ “And I’ll always be here to support you…” _

_ “Don’t say but” _

_ “But I’m still not a professional” he continued anyways. “I’m not sure of what’s the best way to help you. Can you consider visiting one?” _

_ “Mmm….” He muttered, burying his face deeper into the crook of his neck. _

_ “That’s not a proper answer” Eiji chuckled “For me?” _

_ “That’s unfair…” he protested, now laying on his back. “Okay… I promise to consider it”.  _

And so here he was.

Eiji had looked and chosen one of the best therapists in New York and scheduled an appointment; Dr. Emma Lewis. The woman seemed professional, confident but still kind. However, that was not near enough to satisfy Ash.

“Since this is the first time we meet, are you okay with me asking some questions?”

“Well, that’s your job, right Dr. Lewis?” Ash asked, his hands still inside his denim jacket.

“It is, right. You can call me Emma by the way” she said still smiling “So, I’ll start with a broad question: what brings you here today?”

“Nightmares” Ash replied flatly.

The doctor took note of Ash’s body language. His shoulders were tense, his hands were now grabbing tightly onto the armchair he was sitting on, and his eyes were stuck to the floor.

“I see…” she said as she took some notes in her notebook. “Do you know when they started?”

_ ‘Since I was eight. The day I was raped’ _ , he thought. “I can’t remember” he said instead.

The woman kept her eyes on him a second longer and wrote something else on the paper.

“Are you comfortable telling me more or less what they are about?”

“No, I’m not, honestly” Ash huffed, visibly uncomfortable.

“Did you schedule our appointment yourself, Ash?” she asked, putting the notebook and pen aside on the coffee table.

“Pretty obvious, huh?” the blonde smirked. “No, I promised somebody to come”

She nodded in understanding and let out a breath.

_ ‘Good’ _ Ash thought.  _ ‘She’ll tell me to just leave and I can just go back home’ _

“It’s okay” she said instead “We can talk about something else”

Ash furrowed his brows confused “Talk? About what?”

“Tell me about you, Ash. Do you live alone? You’re just 18” she commented in a more relaxed tone. 

“No, I live with someone” he said as if answering a survey.

“Do you get along?”

Ash thought about it for a moment. That was the mildest way someone had ever phrased it. “Yes, you could say we get along”

“Is this person a family member?”

“No”

He didn’t like this. He didn’t like this one bit.

“I feel like we’re playing “Guess Who?” here” she joked with a weak laugh. She inspected his body language once again and she added “Is there any questions you would like to ask me instead?”

Ash reacted to this, finally meeting her gaze. She got his attention now, and he considered it. He observed the woman now with his jade eyes scanning her. She was not rich but all her clothes were of good quality. She didn’t have a ring on her finger, so she was probably single in her thirties. She looked healthy, her skin looked nice, her blue eyes were sincere.

“Why did you become a therapist?” he asked directly.

Dr. Lewis rested her face in her hand. “Because I wanted to help people”

“You can do that in many other ways. Why a therapist?” Ash insisted.

The woman shrugged. “Well, that’s true, but I truly believe mental health is the base for everything else” she seemed serene “You can be where you want to be with the right state of mind”

Ash held her gaze for a couple of seconds and then broke eye contact to focus on the floor again.

“You can go if you want now, Ash” the doctor said.

Ash looked at her again, an eyebrow raised almost suspicious.

“I’ll not charge you for this first meeting. You can come next Tuesday” she picked up her notebook again and jotted some words on it. Ash hated that. 

Ash stood up and said goodbye before the woman changed her mind. He left the office and started walking back to the condo, feeling…  _ strange _ .

He didn’t like going to the therapist. It basically consisted of someone sitting in front of him, reading him, scrutinizing every one of his movements, analyzing his answers. It felt very similar to being undressed, and he didn’t even have to explain how much he hated that feeling. He was not going back, he decided.

“How did it go?” Eiji asked him once he got home.

“It went well” he said flatly.

Eiji picked on his tone and decided to talk about something different.

“Ah, good”

He turned around to show him the great ingredients he had found in the supermarket. Ash half smiled and nodded, but his mind was somewhere else.

It was stupid. He spent years enduring the most humiliating situations to survive, he had been in street fights, and faced Death itself. And now he was feeling vulnerable after his first therapy session? He almost laughed at the thought. The nightmares would go away. Now that there were no real worries, everything was going to be easier.

He smiled to reassure his mind, but a small part of him inside was still annoyed.

“Ash? Are you listening to me?” Eiji asked holding the peanut butter jar he had been giving a speech about.

“Sorry, I’m just distracted. Can we go and rest for a bit? I’m tired” he breathed.

“Sure, it’s okay” Eiji replied with a confused tilt of his head. 

They walked to the bedroom and laid there lazily. They talked for a bit more about their day before they drifted off to sleep. They both needed a nap.

_ He saw his hands in front of him and noticed they were particularly small. He was wearing his baseball uniform and his favorite cap. He almost felt happy to see a baseball glove in front of him, but when he noticed where he was, he felt panic wash over him. He was being left behind by his teammates just like that day, and he knew what was about to happen. _

_ He remembered it. _

_ He turned around to see his old baseball coach approaching him, his footsteps steady. He tried to run, but his movements were ridiculously heavy and slow in comparison to his. He dragged his child-like body under a table and started to try to scream for help. _

_ A rough hand closed around his ankle, encircling it completely, and started pulling him back. He couldn’t find his voice. He opened his mouth and strained his vocal cords, but no sound came out from him. He saw his teammates become smaller and smaller in the distance; their backs turned to him. He felt those hands climb higher against his leg and he tried one last scream before his heart got a final shot of adrenaline. _

He woke up with a jump and screaming, a raw sound leaving his throat and his whole body trembling with fear and tears running freely down his cheeks. Eiji had woken up and had run to turn on the lights of the room.

“Ash, Ash, it’s okay, you’re safe” he repeated hastily, putting the blonde’s head against his chest. “It’s Eiji, it’s me, it’s okay…” he repeated.

Ash was still grabbing the blankets, his mind assimilating the terrible dream was not real.

“Eiji, I’m sorry” he said as he sobbed.

“You have nothing to apologize for…”

“I woke you up” he said with a vulnerable voice.

“It’s okay, we can sleep again…” he told him with his heart almost breaking at his reply. 

“I don’t want to…”

“Then we won’t sleep” He separated to look at his beautiful eyes, now reddened. “What do you want to do?” He ran his thumb across his cheeks, wiping away his tears.

“I don’t want to go to therapy again” Ash confessed as he laid back on his bed and turned his back to Eiji. 

Eiji looked at him from above. Ash was ashamed, he could tell. “Did you talk about it with the doctor?”

“No, not at all” he said “but it makes me think about it. Besides, it looks like she’s in control the whole time”

“Well, her job is to help you. And it’s not always about who’s in control”

“I still don’t like it”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to think about now” he said, understanding “…but I still think you should continue going”.

Ash didn’t.

Two months passed since that day and Ash didn’t go back for a therapy session. Eiji had mentioned it once more after that, but he decided not to insist. His nightmares got better after weeks passed.

In general, everything seemed better for them. Eiji went to work every day and people were starting to notice his work. They both visited Max, Jessica, and Michael at least once a week, sharing a meal together. Ash’s Japanese lessons were going pretty well, and even though his accent was still heavy, he was able to form basic sentences. He could even communicate with Eiji’s mom and sister once when Eiji had video-called them.

It was pretty awkward for him, not only for his basic language skills but also because now Eiji’s family knew he was Eiji’s…. something. He couldn’t help but notice how he couldn’t find a word to describe their relationship now. Saying they were friends felt terribly wrong. Saying they were best friends was correct, but it was not quite the right label either. They hadn’t asked each other out, or… make it official like functional human beings usually do. They both knew they were in a kind of comfortable limbo with no label. Eiji was glad to receive whatever Ash was willing to give him, just as he had said.

However, Ash’s mind had been wandering around that subject of “skinship” more than he would be comfortable to admit. He knew they were both fine as they were, but it was Ash’s own need of pushing boundaries which had the blonde in a bad mood the last couple of days. When Eiji left to work and there was nothing to do with the gang, he would go to the library to read a book and enjoy his free time. Today was one of those days, but his thoughts always drifted to the same memory.

Kissing.

Let him specify.

THE kiss.

The kiss they had shared in Cape Cod when Eiji still didn’t get his memories back. The kiss that had awoken something primitive and forbidden inside him, and now he couldn’t forget. The kiss that had made him shiver in pleasure.

The kiss that had made him grab Eiji’s wrist as if he was some kind of pervert.

He closed the book in front of him and huffed, massaging his nose bridge. 

What the hell was he even thinking? He finally found a person who accepted him just as he was, and here he was wanting to experience that kiss once more. He must be a masochist after all. Eiji had felt terribly guilty after that, he didn’t want him to go through the same thing again.

He stood up and walked outside the library, annoyed at this senseless internal struggle. He picked his phone and pressed the screen a couple of times.

_ “Boss?” _ Alex answered.

“Hey Alex”

_ “What a surprise! You barely call these days” _

“There’s not much going on in downtown…”

_ “You’re right… better for us” _

“Let’s celebrate that. Call the gang. The drinks are on me”

_ “R-really?” _ he asked, surprised and confused.

“Tell them before I take it back”

_ “On it!”  _

He needed to distract his mind. Before living a peaceful life, he never had enough time to worry about these things. He would talk to Alex, Bones, Kong, even Sing. That would distract him from whatever was happening to him. Plus, it had been ages since he had a drink.

At 1:30 am, Ash started to question if this had been a good idea. They had all gathered in the same bar where they had met Eiji for the first time. All his men were celebrating, laughing, and betting at people playing pool. Ash remained sitting on a stool near the bar, Bones and Kong talking about a recent amusing encounter they had had with the police.

He had sent Eiji a message letting him know he would be late, but he was already thinking about just going home. A few minutes ago, Sing had poured him a shot of Xifengjiu and had dared Ash to take it. Of course, Ash had smirked and drank it in one go. He didn’t expect the strong taste that hit his throat, but he asked for another one nevertheless. People had clapped and whistled, almost as if they were watching a battle between bosses again. They ended up laughing, Ash feeling the effect of the foreign alcohol on his body, his mind becoming fuzzy and his mind feeling lighter.

He was listening to Bones’ story when he spotted a random couple making out a few stools away from him. The guy, evidently drunk, was holding the girl’s tiny waist and practically eating her face. Ash’s smile vanished and his eyes furrowed.

_ “Gross…” _ he thought.

And just like that, there he was thinking about the topic again. How could a scene like this be so vulgar and disgusting, and yet be the same thing that sent shivers through his spine when he did it with Eiji? It simply didn’t fit in the same category in Ash’s mind. More than anything, he felt frustrated for something like this to be occupying his mind the whole week. It was almost like someone was making fun of him, teasing him with something he couldn’t have again.

_ “No” _ he corrected himself  _ “something I shouldn’t wish to have”. _

_ Fuck this. _

“I’m going home” Ash said, interrupting Bones in the best part of the story.

“But boss-!”

“You’ll have another round of beers on me” he just said as he heard a general uproar inside the room, and he left. 

He took a taxi and got to the apartment in no time. He leaned on the elevator mirror and wondered if the nightshift guard was looking at him right now through the security camera. The elevator ‘ring’ reminded him he still needed to walk to his door, and he half-dragged his feet across the hallway. When Eiji opened the door, he let his body fall forward, heavy on his arms.

“Ash??” Eiji asked worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“No” he muttered.

“Are you hurt?” Eiji asked in panic, palming his chest and back.

Ash tried to stand upright and look at the boy in front of him. His head was spinning fast, and he could feel the tingly sensation of the powerful drink clouding his mind, darkening reality. He probably had the most understanding, loving, and caring person in the whole world for him alone, but he was so fucking broken that he couldn’t even grant him a proper make-out session or sexy time like a normal person. Eiji loved him, but he was a human being with limits too. If he pulled off the right trick, he was sure he could break Eiji’s will too. After all, he always could with any other men. 

He took off his coat and looked at Eiji with undecipherable green eyes. Eiji waited, his own eyes expectant. Ash took a step forward and clashed their lips together. Eiji jumped in place, surprised, but responded to the kiss watchfully. Almost immediately, Ash parted his lips and tried to deepen the kiss, lapping at Eiji’s tongue.

Eiji separated instantly “Ash, you’re drunk”. It was not a question. He could feel the pungent bitter taste and smell of alcohol in his own mouth.

“C’mon, onii-chan… Don’t you want to kiss me like this too?” he asked, trailing his fingers along his jaw, and unbuttoning the upper part of his shirt. “Don’t you want to see what I can do to you?” His voice was honey-thick, provoking, trained. 

He was going to show Eiji how his years of unwanted but vast experience made him an expert in the art of seduction, he thought in his drunken mind.

“Ash-” Eiji tried to say in a serious voice, but Ash was on him again.

Ash pressed their bodies together, kissing Eiji deep and wet. Despite Eiji’s resistance, he was able to push him to the sofa and sat on his lap, straddling him.

“Ash stop-” Eiji said trying to lift the blond off his body.

Ash grabbed Eiji’s wrist, the same he had snapped away that day in Cape Cod, and dragged it under his shirt, trying to get his palm to touch his chest.

He got close to Eiji’s ear and mewled “I can melt if you-“

“ASH STOP!” Eiji cut him off, now evidently angry. It was the first time Eiji had to speak so loud that his voice resonated in his own ears.

Ash reacted to this shout, jolting and looking at him, his eyes in shock and slowly beginning to pool tears in them.

“Stop…” Eiji said again, softer this time. “You’re not being yourself…”

Ash started crying, unable to fight his feelings any longer. He got off his lap and let Eiji hug him sitting beside him instead.

“Not being myself?” he sobbed “This was all of myself my whole life Eiji!” he was dragging the words a little, but Eiji could still understand him. 

Eiji hugged him tight and kissed his hair. “I disagree… I know the real you, Aslan” he stated.

Hearing his real name truly made him feel like another person. Eiji knew perfectly well the power he held in his words, and he knew exactly how and when to use it. Talking to Ash sometimes felt like a chess game to him. All his words were pawns, slowly working their way into Ash’s territory. He was familiar with Ash’s playstyle too; he tended to self-sabotage when it came to his own feelings, but used his knight, rook, and bishop expertly whenever he tried to get information from someone else. When it came to Eiji though, Ash’s game froze. 

“Eiji…” he muttered “will y’ still stay by my side?”

In this state, however, Ash didn’t even have pieces on the board. 

“I will” Eiji said running his fingers through his hair “C’mon, let’s get you to bed”

“…sleepy…”

“Right, right…”

Eiji put to work his muscles from pole vaulting years and dragged him to the bathroom. He made him rinse his mouth before carefully undressing him and laid him in bed. He filled a glass of water and left it by his nightstand. He was going to need it in the morning. 

Eiji saw Ash sprawled on the bed, and decided to sleep on his own bed that night. He sighed. He had seen this coming. He knew exactly what Ash had been thinking the last couple of days and he wondered what he was going to do about it. He had never expected him to do something like this though.

He changed into his pajamas and turned off the lights. He knew how Ash’s logic was reasoning right now. In Ash’s mind, all the people who had cause any type of trauma were no longer in his life. Therefore, all trauma was also gone.

If only...

No one had ever cared about his recovery process or explained to him what healing was like. Eiji’s experiences were nowhere near Ash’s, but he was sure of one thing: trauma didn’t go away by ignoring it, or burying it deep down. That was more like planting a seed that would grow into something stronger in the future when you least expect it. Healing was a process, and he needed an expert on the matter to help them. 

***

The next morning came as a slap on the face for Ash. The room was just too damn bright, and he felt his heavy tongue stuck to his palate.

Disgusting.

His head hurt like a bitch, his body felt dull, and his stomach was growling at him. He promised himself never to drink again and to tell Sing to send that bottle to wherever it had come from.

He turned his head to see Eiji sleeping on the bed next to his, and the memories of what he had done came to him instantly. A wave of shame and guilt hit him straight to his gut. He hid his face under the pillow and thought about waking him up to apologize, but words were no longer enough to justify what he did. He rolled over his stomach and headed to the bathroom, hoping that a shower would make him think straight.

When he came out, Eiji was still sleeping. He grabbed his wallet, keys, and cellphone and left the apartment closing the door softly behind him.

“Hello?” he asked at the front desk.

The secretary looked up from the screen in front of her.

“I’d like to schedule an appointment with the therapist”

\--------

“Welcome back, Ash”

Dr. Lewis had just seen him talk to the secretary and had agreed to see him immediately. She was now sitting on the same white armchair from before. Ash wondered if she ever left her office at all.

“Hello” he said, not meeting her eyes. His body language was different this time. His muscles were still tense, but he seemed like he was there with a purpose this time.

“I’m happy to see you again” she said with sincere eyes. “So? What brings you here today?”

Ash inhaled deeply. He had no idea where to start. There was just so much he couldn’t put into words. Dr. Lewis seemed to read this and added.

“You don’t have to tell me everything today. You can just begin with what’s been bothering you lately” she smiled reassuringly. 

“Okay… I’ve … got a problem” 

Okay, there. He said it.

“Okay…” the doctor nodded, waiting for him to continue.

“I…” he struggled “…there’s something I don’t understand about myself”

“Well, talk to me and maybe I can help”

“It’s difficult to understand” he tried to put his thoughts in order and phrase them in a way he wouldn’t say the entire truth. “I went through some shit, but now that shit is over. Now, everything is better than ever before, but I just CAN’T get myself to fully enjoy it”

He mentally patted himself on the back for such a good job.

“Well, that’s more common than you think. Especially if you just recently closed a bad chapter in your life”

Ash nodded, his eyes fixed on the carpet beneath her feet.

“I still don’t get it” he shook his head and looked at her in the eyes “I… I’ve got someone I care enough to live for. Shouldn’t I be feeling this... new wonderful strength to live, leaving my dark past behind or some shit?” he gestured with his hands in the air to emphasize his sarcastic tone. 

The woman let out a soft laugh. “Love is probably the greatest force in the universe, I agree with you” she nodded.

Ash hadn’t said that, but he agreed too after thinking about how he felt for Eiji.

“But love is not a magic spell” she continued kindly but firmly “Our loved ones can be our strongest support in our recovery process, but they are not the solution alone”

“Well… what’s the solution then??” he asked almost desperate.

Dr. Lewis smiled almost sadly “If there was an only answer to that, the world would be a better place, don’t you think? Healing is a journey, and it looks different to everyone”

Ash nodded in silence.

“I came here because I want to get better” he said as if he had just discovered that fact.

“That’s the first step” she assured. 

“I actually want to get better… for another person” he added.

“Is this the same person you told me you live with?” she asked, grabbing her notebook and pen.

Ash fought the uneasy feeling of someone writing stuff about him. “Yeah…”

“I understand you are still not comfortable enough to talk about yourself, but can you tell me a bit about them then?”

“His name is Eiji…”

Dr. Lewis looked up from her notes almost startled by the sudden change in Ash’s voice. It was as if another person was speaking, letting the Japanese name roll softly off his mouth. She smiled, confident on how to proceed.

“Eiji. That sounds like a Japanese name” she said.

“It is. He came here to take beautiful pictures, but he ended up finding me” he said with a bitter laugh.

“But he’s living with you now. It seems like that was not something bad” she pointed out.

“He… went through some terrible stuff because of me. But he decided to stay”

“You love him” she said. It was not a question, but a mere logical observation.

Ash looked at her in panic, but it quickly dissipated when he met her eyes. She had an understating smile on her face, and the blue of her eyes seemed warm rather than cold. He still had to fight the anxious feeling in his stomach to reply.

“I do. I love him” he almost confessed like a sinner to a priest. There was a creak of vulnerability in his jade eyes “I love him, and I’m scared”

Dr. Lewis nodded in silence, holding his gaze. 

“It’s okay” she reassured him. “We’ll work through it”.

That had been Ash’s first real therapy session. After some more minutes of talking, he left the place feeling strange, but lighter. He grabbed two coffees on his way home and waited for Eiji to wake up to properly apologize for what he had done the night before. 

Eiji had rushed out of the bedroom when he noticed the blond was not in the bed next to his, but stopped relieved when he saw him sitting at the kitchen table sipping his coffee. After apologizing and promising he would never drink again, Eiji hugged him tight on his chest, telling him everything was okay.

“I honestly thought you wouldn’t remember” Eiji said.

“Who do you think I am? Eiji Okumura?” he teased him.

Eiji pouted at the reference and ruffled his hair in response. “So where did you go this morning? Just to buy coffee as an apology?” he asked sitting in front of him and taking a sip from his caramel macchiato with whipped cream. Ash knew him well.

“I… went with the therapist”

Eiji’s cup stopped halfway to his mouth. “You had an appointment with her?” he said curious, looking at the calendar behind Ash. He kept track of all their important dates.

“I didn’t. I felt terribly guilty after yesterday and decided to go. She saw me there when I was talking to the secretary and let me in”

Eiji nodded, surprised but glad.

“Did it go as bad as the first time?”

“No, but I’ve been thinking about something she told me” Ash paused and Eiji waited for him to continue. “She told me you were not enough to overcome my past”

Eiji tilted his head confused.

“She didn’t exactly say that. But that’s what I understood” he sighed, half-ashamed of his own immature interpretation of her words and tried to correct himself “She told me recovery was a process, and there was not an only way to do it”

“She’s right” Eiji agreed.

“I feel lost” Ash confessed “I want…” he cut himself off. He didn’t know what he wanted.

“You want to feel better” Eiji helped him.

“I’ve never done this before…”

“Healing?”

“Yeah…” he let his blond hair fall backward as he looked up the ceiling. “This is a luxury. Having the time to worry about healing… having the chance to start over again...”

Eiji held his hand across the table, running a soft thumb across the pale skin. “It’s okay, Ash. We’re together in this…”

And they were.

Ash came back to therapy and made slow but consistent progress with the doctor. It took him one more month to tell her he had been raped as a child, systematically. Ash learned a lot about himself during the next four months. He learned that healing was nothing like this stupid image they always try to portray with a divine light coming down from the sky, purifying your heart and soul while you hear Tibetan monks singing in the background.

No.

Healing hurt. Healing for Ash was having a knife pierced through his chest and refusing to take it out because of how much blood it would start pouring out of the wound. Healing was reviving his darkest memories, and trying to come to terms with the people he had lost. Healing had good days and bad days.

And  _ oh boy _ Ash had bad days.

It had been a very bad day when he told her his best friend had died because of him in front of his eyes. He omitted any compromising details, but he conveyed the idea nevertheless. It took them two solid weeks to be able to even talk about it again. It had been another terrible day when he told her about his prostitution days. Emma listened to him attentively and compassionately, but never with pity. Ash internally thanked her for that.

After that session, she had made Ash’s vision of his own body a priority. That day, Ash knew she was truly a professional and he started to trust her more. It was difficult for the rest of the people to understand his feelings towards his body given his undeniable and strikingly handsome appearance, but Ash had come to really hate his body.

It was his looks that had got him into that kind of life, he thought, so whenever he looked at himself in the mirror, he saw nothing but a vulgar prostitute. A whore. He hated it. His green eyes everyone loved so much were nothing but tools to get what he wanted. His hands, used to touch and pleasure other men, were also those of a killer. It was taking all of his mental effort to work on that, and he usually ended up  _ exhausted  _ after each session. However, watching Eiji support him so dearly day after day made him keep going. 

He was beginning to understand what Emma had meant that day. Eiji was his unconditional support and gave him the strength to continue, but it was him who had to do all the hard work. Whenever he noticed his mind going into a spiral of dark thoughts, he had to actively try to break free from them. Whenever he saw or heard anything that triggered a terrible memory, he had to refocus on the present. Sometimes he achieved it, sometimes he didn’t. 

Eiji’s little actions always helped though. No, not little; HUGE. Ash noticed how he would always cook his favorite meals whenever he went to see Dr. Lewis, trying to make his days a little brighter. He would also play his favorite songs when he noticed Ash was feeling down, without a word. He would silently walk to the vintage record player they had and put a vinyl record on it. Each day that went by, Ash found himself falling a bit deeper for Eiji. 

However, there was still something bothering him he hadn’t told Dr. Lewis.

“How’s Eiji doing?” she asked him during one of their sessions.

“Oh, he’s fine” he said with a fond smile. He had stopped trying to conceal his tone when talking about Eiji. “He recently took this amazing shot of the city from our apartment building”

“Show it to me next time, I’d love to see it” she said.

Ash nodded. There was a silence between them, and the blond continued fidgeting in his chair.

“Is there anything you would like to talk about today?” she prompted.

Ash looked at her and swallowed, almost putting his walls up again.

“There’s something that’s been on my mind lately…” he admitted. He took his time to put his thoughts into words and then continued. “Kissing… is something quite basic for couples, right?”

“Right” she agreed, completely getting where this was going. “For some couples”

“Don’t all couples kiss?” he asked confused.

“Most of them, but it’s pretty dangerous to just go with what  _ “most couples” _ do. Every relationship is a unique set of consensual agreements”

Ash nodded, trying to let that idea sink into his mind.

“Ash” she called him carefully. He knew she was about to ask something which might set him off. “Has Eiji asked you to go beyond your limits?”

“Never.” He replied immediately, almost offended by the question.

“Okay, I just needed to make sure” she lifted her arms as if surrendering. 

“He would never do something like that” he said with a softer tone. “I’m asking… because of me. I…I sometimes feel like I would like to… touch him more” he admitted ashamed. 

“Okay, that’s okay” she said with a smile now.

“Okay???” Ash asked a bit irritated, probably more at himself than the doctor “You think it’s normal for someone who was raped to feel this way?”

“Why?” she asked him in all seriousness, almost demanding to know his reasoning.

“BECAUSE I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL THIS WAY!” he said exasperated, panicking, scared. “I’m not supposed to want this!!”

“But you do”

“That’s the problem! There’s something twisted and sick inside me, Emma…” he clasped at his chest trying to reach that rotten part inside him and rip it out. He felt back in square one. 

“Ash, listen to me” She said, her blue eyes intensifying. “You’re not SUPPOSED to feel any particular way. You’re are not given a list of things to love and hate after someone abuses you”

Ash looked at her, feeling small and vulnerable like he was 8 again. He hid face behind his hands and trembled, unable to fight the tears in his eyes. He cried in silence, trying to breathe in and out slowly, just like Dr. Lewis had instructed him. She gave him a box of tissues and waited for him to be ready to continue talking. She had learned that giving him time and space was the best strategy when he broke down.

“It’s okay to wish something like that for yourself Ash” she continued. “but, as I told you, every relationship is a unique world”

“I need to talk to Eiji” he said, realizing what his next step should be, more composed now despite his red eyes. “Thanks, Emma”

\----------------------------------------

On his way home, Ash worked the situation in his mind. Wishing to touch Eiji was… okay. He was allowed to feel desire, despite whatever happened to him in the past. He repeated the words like a mantra, each time convincing himself a bit (just a bit) more. They were not supposed to  _ do _ anything as a couple. They were not supposed to  _ meet _ any standards. Their relationship was whatever they decided it to be. 

He smiled at that thought. It seemed right. 

This wasn’t about  _ “couples” _ as a generic term.  _ “Couples” _ had fights that resulted in breakups, were jealous of each other, updated their relationship status in social media, and sometimes even cheated on each other. 

This was about the two of them. How could they even cheat when he  _ knew _ they had each other’s soul? He just trusted Eiji too much. This was beyond just a  _ “couple” _ thing. 

So, knowing that, he settled for his next step. When he got home, Eiji was watching a Netflix show on the TV, his body splayed on the sofa. 

“Hey” Eiji said with a smile.

“Hey” he said as he snuggled against him on the sofa, spooning Eiji from behind. “Can we talk?”

Eiji turned off the TV and turned around between Ash’s arms. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah… I just... I got an idea”

Eiji raised an eyebrow. “I’m scared”

Ash tickled him briefly and smiled. “I need your help with something”

“Sure, whatever you need”

Ash looked down at him, his eyes fixed on him. 

“I want to kiss”

Eiji smiled sweetly. He tilted his head up and planted a chaste kiss on his lips. Ash felt the innocent peck and smiled, but he held Eiji’s gaze with something unsaid.

“I want to kiss… more”

Eiji looked at him, the blush spreading on Ash’s cheeks giving him a clue of what he meant.

“Did something happen today?” he asked a bit worried. He needed to make sure this was Ash’s honest thinking.

“I talked about it today with the doctor” he said calmly. “I think I’m ready to accept what I feel”

Eiji swallowed. “And what do you feel?”

“Want” he said with a trace of nervousness in his voice, but still resolute. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you like that night in Cape Cod. I felt turned on and I liked it, but I felt too guilty and scared of my own reaction”

“Ash-“

“I want to” he interrupted. “I want to kiss you like that again, and… be closer to you, physically speaking. I’m not even talking about sexually closer, but just feel your skin next to mine and enjoy the feeling. I do already, but I want… more. I want to try at least”

Eiji looked at him intently, his brown eyes full of affection.

“But if you feel like it’s not-“

“I’ll stop, I know” Ash smiled. “I won’t force myself to go further”

“Let’s make a promise then” Eiji sat down upright on the sofa again with his eyebrows pulling closer in a serious frown. He pulled Ash up too and held his hands between his. “Let’s promise to be honest”

Ash blinked twice. “But we’re already honest.”

Eiji shook his head. “No, I mean… no misunderstandings. No lying because I’m going to feel bad or offended. If you start feeling like it’s too much, you just ask me to pull away and I’ll do it”

Ash’s heart clenched at his words. Eiji was being all grave and intense because of his own sake. He must certainly be the luckiest person alive.

“Okay” he said imitating his serious tone “but then you also need to promise not to apologize if anything happens. It’s not your fault, and I asked you to do it knowing it can go wrong sometimes”

“Okay, I promise”

“I promise too”

They looked at each other in all seriousness for a couple of seconds and then they both smiled.

“I love you, Ash” Eiji told him, brushing his nose against his.

“Why” Ash breathed a laugh. “Seriously, WHY.”

“I guess I like Americans with a terrible mood in the morning” Eiji teased him.

“Nah, I’m sure you fell for my pretty face” Ash joked leaving a quick kiss on his cheek and shooting him a charming smile.

“It struck me when I first met you, it’s true. But that wasn’t what made me fall for you”

“What as it then? When?” Ash separated a bit, enough to look at him genuinely curious.

Eiji blushed. “I’m not sure when I started loving you, but I remember when I realized I loved you”

Ash waited expectantly.

“We were on our trip to Cape Cod. Max had pulled over to stretch our legs. I was talking to Shorter when I found myself unconsciously looking for you. My heart skipped a beat when I looked around and I didn’t find you. You had walked inside the gas station and came back with some water bottles” Eiji smiled fondly at the memory, his fingers interlacing with Ash’s. “When I saw you, my heart was finally beating again, and I realized I would go crazy if I ever lost you. I would do anything to make you smile. And I knew I loved you” he met his eyes again, honest and a bit sad at the thought of losing each other again.

Ash felt something warm spread inside his chest. It was like a sudden wave of awareness of how fortunate he was. True love. Right there in front of him.

As anything he could say would come short, he leaned in and kissed Eiji short but softly.

“Can you rest with me for a bit?”

\-----------------

It had been a while since they had felt like this. They were lying in Ash’s bed, the lights turned on. Their legs were intertwined, Ash’s right hand was caressing Eiji’s hair, his thumb on his left trailing down from his jawline to his neck. Eiji’s hands were timidly resting on Ash’s collar, fighting the involuntary tremble that threatened to tell just how nervous he was. Of course Eiji wanted and enjoyed this, but he was a first-timer nevertheless. Every exploratory touch was new to him, and now that Ash had begun to kiss him longer, he felt drunker and drunker. 

Ash was kissing him slower too; he had wet his lips before he leaned in, and Eiji had had a mini heart attack at the feeling of Ash’s soft lips gliding against his. Eiji let himself be guided and taken to wherever Ash was leading them into, relishing each sensation. He felt just the slightest touch of Ash’s teeth grazing his bottom lip and he separated immediately at the sudden shock of electricity it had sent through his entire body. 

“Did I hurt you?” 

“N-no, you surprised me” he said, his face flushed.

“Did you like it?” he asked with a smirk, now more relaxed.

“I’m almost sure you do it only to tease me” he avoided the question.

“Maybe” he smiled as he closed the distance between them again. 

He grabbed Eiji’s wrists delicately and guided them around his neck without breaking the kiss, prompting him to touch him too. He experimented kissing Eiji short and long, chastely and intimately, peppering kisses on his cheeks, nose, and forehead, running his fingers through his arms and shoulders. Eiji reacted genuinely and inexperiencedly with every touch and every stroke against his hair.

Slowly, Ash recognized the same candid and unmistakable heat pooling in his lower belly after some minutes. He opened his eyes just enough to make sure to stay in the present, to anchor himself to that very moment. He was not prepared, however, for the delightful sight in front of him.

Eiji was  _ melting. _

He had his eyes closed, thick dark eyelashes resting against his cheek. His eyebrows were slightly upward, clearly enjoying the kiss. Ash could swear he saw him shiver a little when he boldly licked his bottom lip, but he didn’t fully register it as he gave in to his own instincts.

He shifted his weight and hovered over him, Eiji lying on his back. He grabbed his jaw purposefully and parted his lips just enough to let his tongue slide exquisitely against Eiji’s. He felt heat creep up his face, almost like a fever. He kept kissing him, fully enjoying the experience. There was no goal to it, no trick, no expectation. He was doing it because he could, and because he felt safe.

He ran his tongue across Eiji’s bottom lip again, he grazed his teeth over it once more, hearing his soulmate change his breathing pattern. His fingers traced small circles on his neck. He felt drunk. Kissing had never felt this good before.

“This is new…” Ash said as he separated just enough to speak, taking a look at Eiji... or what was left of him.

Eiji’s lips were a bit swollen and red. His chest was moving up and down faster and he swallowed hard before speaking.

“It is…” he focused his eyes on Ash’s. “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Yes. I promised to tell you if it’s not okay” he smiled “…you seemed a bit agitated though” he teased.

Eiji’s face blushed harder and he tried to turn away, but Ash kept looking down at him.

“It’s because your kisses feel good, I cannot help it” he said.

“Good”

And he came back down to attack his mouth. 

They spent at least the next hour completely absorbed in their own little world. They stopped when Ash’s phone rang. Max needed to remind him they were going to have lunch next Saturday, so he wouldn’t forget. Ash had felt angry for a fraction of a second, but then he thanked to stop because of a call and not because things had gone wrong. 

Oh no. Things had gone  _ well. _

They stayed in bed cuddling instead, talking about their plans for the week. After some minutes, he noticed Eiji had fallen asleep in his arms. He smiled and looked at the ceiling satisfied. The last couple of months had been one hell of a journey, but he was finally getting to enjoy his progress. 

He turned off the light and pulled a blanket over them. 

There were no nightmares for him that night. 


	2. Reclaiming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's therapy plan is just right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking this long to update! I had a TON of stuff to do, but I'm happy I finally have some time to write. The rating for this will go up, so I'm telling you beforehand!   
> I tried to tackle some topics in this chapter as respectfully as I could. I really hope I was able to convey a message here. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy it!

“I’ll take the job” 

_ “What? Are you serious?” _ Max asked on the other side of the line. 

“Yeah… is the offer still available?” 

Max let out a satisfied huff, finally realizing Ash was serious about this. _ “Of course! My boss will be delighted to have you working for the company!”  _

Ash made a face at the word “I’m not sure how I feel calling somebody else “boss” though…”

Max laughed again.  _ “You brat... “  _ he sighed _ “You won’t have to call him “boss”… You’ll be working more or less independently” _

“I like that” he smiled.

_ “So, shall we discuss the details over the weekend?” _

“Sure. See you then old man… and thanks” 

  
  


Six months had gone by since Ash started his therapy sessions. Emma had organized their working plan into three major categories: building trust, overcoming guilt, and Ash’s reclaiming of his own body. 

The first point in her agenda had been more or less the easiest out of the three. Eiji’s presence in Ash’s life had been solid proof that selfless people existed. Also, Max and Ibe’s support while they were fighting Golozine had also proved that loyalty was real. His own gang had been very supportive when they realized the major life changes Ash was going through. Hell, some of them were even happy to see him seek a better life. In order to step out of his comfort zone, Ash had started to talk to Mrs. Coleman more often. He accepted her pumpkin pies and chocolate cookies whenever she stopped him in the building to give him and Eiji “leftovers”, although it was pretty obvious she baked the treats for them. 

Talking to people and not thinking they were some kind of mercenary was a bit easier now. 

Overcoming guilt, however, had not been as easy. 

There were still nights when Ash dreamt of faces he didn’t recognize. He still woke up in a sweat and panting. 

_ “What if I killed them Eiji? What type of monster am I if I cannot remember their faces?” Ash trembled, staring at his hands horrified. _

_ “You’re overthinking it…” the other tried to calm him down. _

_ “They asked for mercy… in my dreams…” he covered his face. _

_ “It’s in the past, Ash…” _

_ “There’s blood in my hands…” _

Those nights were usually the longest. Eiji would stay up all night running a hand up and down his back to comfort him. 

It also happened a few times that Ash didn’t think himself worthy of the second chance he was given. 

_ “Why did I even survive?” his voice came in a bitter laugh. “After everything I’ve done, why me?” _

_ “Ash, please don’t…” Eiji shook his head. _

_ “I bet there were many others who deserved a second chance better than me”  _

_ “Ash stop” he begged. _

_ “You even… You’ll regret choosing me in the future. I cut your wings” _

_ “Ash!” he cut him off. _

And those nights were usually the hardest for Eiji. Ash would isolate himself inside the condo, and it suddenly felt too big for the two of them. Ash struggled with himself, with the voices in his head, but a word must be said about Eiji too. 

Eiji was fighting his own battle during Ash’s recovery process. He had to learn to become mentally and emotionally strong for their own sake, but he was a human being too. The emotional toll for the person supporting the healing process of a loved one could go unnoticed, invisible and silent. Mentioning it would just feel wrong.

There were days in which a terrible fear would invade Eiji and his own memories would haunt him; he had his own burden of guilt to carry. Skip’s brown eyes and Shorter’s purple hair would flash behind his eyelids from time to time, but he always shook his head to think of something else. 

His past was not the only thing tormenting him either. Even now when his mother knew about Ash and his own feelings, he couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. He always knew she dreamed of a grandchild, and that was something he wouldn’t be able to give her. His life choices had not been what she expected. 

And on nights like those, when Ash was going down a spiral of self-doubt and hatred, he felt himself collapse too. He would go to the kitchen and put the kettle on with no real purpose. He would stand there, looking at the water simmer, slowly heating up into a boil. It was a reflection of his own emotions. When the water was ready, he usually had two or three tears running down his face. He was not mad, he was not sad either. He was just incredibly overwhelmed by so many feelings clashing inside him, and so impossibly frustrated. 

He had started to attend some of Ash’s sessions too, as Emma suggested. As a result, he was more aware of his own emotions as he allowed himself to feel them. Emma asked Eiji to come alone after some days, and they talked about his own internal battles. It had felt like a huge weight off his shoulders to talk to her and validate his own pain. 

He loved Ash with all his might. He wondered sometimes if another person could love as strongly as he did, and then he realized that the answer was yes. 

Ash did. 

Ash came out of the bedroom with his eyes lowered, his body language stating the obvious. 

“I’m sorry…” Ash muttered in a small voice. He wrapped his arms around Eiji’s waist as the Japanese boy kept looking at the kettle in front of him. “I’m sorry I said you would regret this. I trust you. I trust how you feel about me” 

Eiji caressed Ash’s hands with his own and then took a deep breath. “It’s okay. I’ve got bad days too” he said as he turned around.

And then they both saw it. 

The undeniable love in each other’s eyes. Guilt was a fierce enemy, but not strong enough to tear them apart.

*****

Third point in the agenda…was challenging.

When Emma had phrased it as “reclaiming” Ash immediately liked the word. This was “territory” taken from him and he just had to take it back. He was used to that. This was a language he could understand. 

Easy. 

Except it was nothing like he imagined. 

That day, Ash crossed his arms on the chair like he hadn’t done in months. 

“Can you explain a bit more what you mean by “reclaiming”?”

Emma crossed her legs and nodded. 

“Your body talks on different levels, Ash” she started, her soft voice making her explanation friendly “Visually, you can see it on the way you stand, how you clench your jaw, or how relaxed your shoulders are”

Ash nodded. He knew that. He used this information from other people several times to get himself out of trouble. 

“However, your body speaks on a sensory level as well. Have you had “a hunch” or “gut feeling” before?”

Ash snickered. “Yeah, I have”. He always had those. 

“Those are examples of how your body communicates. You can also feel your heart speeding or waves of different emotions” 

The blonde blinked and kept listening. At heart, he was a nerd and loved learning about new topics. “I see”

“Those things you feel are triggered through a lens of your past experiences, Ash” she said carefully. “That’s why reclaiming your body is on our agenda. You cannot reconnect with what your body is experiencing at the moment if you can only relate it with your past” 

Ash listened to the doctor speak and tried to make sense of the words. Even for him, it still sounded too abstract. 

“Let’s say… pumpkins” she began, amused. Ash had told her about the episode as an anecdote, but both of them knew it was nothing serious to worry about. It was a safe topic to explain. “You saw a scary looking one while you were hiding behind a tree. Next time you see a tree, you may be tempted to say ‘oh I know what’s going on… I know what comes next…’ and your body will prepare itself for it. You’ll end up hypervigilant… exhausted” 

Ash knew this was a mere metaphor and he got the point, but a part of him insisted “Okay but what if I actually see another pumpkin and I’m not prepared?” 

Emma giggled. “OR… what if you miss Eiji inviting you to climb the tree because you are worried about the pumpkin?” 

Ash blushed and looked away and asked the million-dollar question. ”How do I distinguish one from the other?”

Emma smiled. Ash had progressed so much. He was responsive, attentive, and asked all the right questions. 

“You need to learn to judge each situation by the clues you have at the moment. You need to use your head and connect it to your body. In other words…”

“Hard work, again. I get it” he sighed, but smiled nevertheless. 

It had been some months since that conversation with Dr. Lewis, and he could proudly say he had made small but constant progress on the topic. Trusting people a bit more and letting go of his own guilt were the foundation for this step. He talked about it with Eiji one night, and they both decided to test it with something easy: walking on the street. 

Ash tried walking inside a 7-Eleven and buying some chips and soda without analyzing every single person in the store first. 

“What if someone recognizes me?” he told Eiji. 

The other huffed. “You sound like an arrogant Hollywood star or something” he joked. “just try going straight for the snacks and forget about the people” 

Ash huffed too. This was ridiculous. 

He entered the store and failed at mentally counting how many people were inside. 

_ “Three, all of them male”  _ he thought, and reprimanded himself. 

He walked to the aisle he was looking for and grabbed what he needed. One of the clients passed him by and he forced himself to look straight ahead. When he put his items in front of the cashier, he noticed the other man was taller than him. 

_ “He’s taller. He’s a cashier and he might have a gun behind the-”  _ he shook his head. _ “No no no no… And what if he does? He’s actually smiling quite friendly… too friendly? No, c’mon Ash, look exactly at what you have in front”  _

“It’s 7,50” the guy said, looking at the clock on his right, clearly bored. 

“Right” he said. 

He paid and got out of the store. Eiji was waiting for him expectantly. 

“So?”

“Not that bad…” Ash admitted. 

******************

After months of trial and error, Ash could say he saw his life head in a straight direction. He had a job as a literary critic, he had friends, he had something he could call a family with Max, Jessica, and Michael, and of course, he had the love of the person he loved the most. He had distanced himself from trouble, but he still met up with the gang. Without Arthur or Dino, things had come back to a more peaceful state. 

In the last couple of weeks, Ash had tested Emma’s advice on a topic that was still on his mind; his own desire. He started with small advances while they kissed. A bolder kiss on the neck, his fingertips slipping beneath Eiji’s sweater, letting Eiji run his hands beneath his t-shirt. It all turned out better than he expected, except for the night he offered Eiji a massage. The other boy had come home really tired that day and spent at least twenty minutes just resting face down on his bed. 

“You had a tough day, huh?” Ash said, leaning on the doorframe. 

Eiji used all his strength to look over his shoulder and give Ash half a smile. 

“That’s an understatement” he muttered “My back hurts… I had to carry some heavy boxes up and down the stairs since the elevator was out of service”

Ash walked inside the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re weak onii-chan…” he teased him “If you ate more meat instead of that stinky food of yours you’d be as strong as me”

Eiji glared at him and rolled his eyes. “You know my food is healthier, that’s a fact…”

Ash giggled satisfied with Eiji’s reaction and climbed onto the bed. 

“I can give you a massage if you want...” he offered.

Eiji propped himself up and turned around to see if Ash was still teasing or he was seriously speaking. 

“You know how?” he asked. 

“Yeah, Blanca taught me after our training sessions” he said. 

Eiji nodded and accepted his offer. “Okay… yes, a massage would be nice” 

The Japanese boy rested his head back on his pillow and closed his eyes. 

“I’m gonna need you to take off your shirt” Ash asked him. 

The blond saw him blush slightly as he got up and comply. He bit his lower lip, suddenly amused at Eiji’s shy attitude. He straddled his hips when Eiji laid face down on the bed again and leaned in to whisper in his ear. 

_ “It’s okay… I’ll be gentle…” _

Eiji shivered and shoot a glare at him, completely aware of Ash’s intentions. Ash just laughed again and grabbed a moisturizing lotion from Eiji’s nightstand. He squirted a generous amount on his smooth and defined back, and felt Eiji jolt at how cold it was.

He started spreading the lotion all over the surface, marveling at how strong Eiji actually was underneath all those layers of clothing he usually wore. His muscles were defined but not bulky, and his skin was slightly darker than his, just sun-kissed. He ran his thumb over a hard bump and Eiji grumbled. 

“Oh God… that hurts”

“Sorry” he apologized “I didn’t think it was this bad…”

He stroked the area with his palm this time, putting just enough pressure to work the knot but trying not to hurt Eiji again. He soon heard a low hum of pleasure from below.

“That’s way better…” Eiji breathed, trying to relax.

“Does it hurt now?”

“Yes… but it’s the type of pain you enjoy” 

Ash bit his lip and swallow the comment about to leave his mouth. Eiji was trying to relax and getting him flustered would not help at all. 

He kept kneading Eiji’s back in circular motions, pressing just a bit harder around his shoulder blades.

“God… that feels good...” Eiji practically moaned.

Ash swallowed hard again. His face was starting to get hot. He felt ashamed for misinterpreting those sounds on his head, but the sight was not helping either. He spotted a mole near Eiji’s right shoulder and he ran his thumb over it. Before he could process his own actions, he leaned in and left a gentle kiss on it.

“Ash?” 

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist” 

“It’s okay, don’t apologize” Eiji smiled, trying to make eye contact. 

Ash swallowed, a bit more reassured this time, and leaned in again. He placed both hands over Eiji’s ribs and kissed the back of his neck this time. He left a trail of soft kisses down his spine, suddenly going slower when he got to his lower back. Eiji giggled when his lips tickled his skin, completely unaware of Ash’s not-so-innocent thoughts. He didn’t allow himself to indulge any further, and he cleared his throat. 

“Do you think you could give me a massage instead?” 

Eiji stirred satisfied under his body. He put his sweater back on and saw Ash take his shirt off. It was not the first time Eiji rubbed Ash’s back, but he usually did it while the blond was working in front of his desk and was visibly tired. 

Ash laid face down and rearranged the pillow to rest his head. He closed his eyes and noticed it was a bit too cold in the room. Before he could get ready for his massage, he felt a weight sit on his hips, his abdomen pressed against the mattress. He didn’t like the feeling, and he tried to swallow it down, but when he heard the cap from the lotion ‘click’, his whole body tensed up in response. 

“Ash?” he heard Eiji say. 

Eiji placed his hand on his lower back, but his eyes were full of worry. 

“You okay?” 

Ash considered his answer. He was not having a panic attack, and he was very conscious it was Eiji who was sitting on his butt about to give him an innocent back rub, but he was still feeling uneasy. A few months before, he would’ve tried to convince himself he was perfectly fine and pushed himself to continue, but he knew better now. He understood now that there was nothing wrong with changing his mind, even if he himself had asked for this earlier. 

Thanks, Emma. 

“I kinda changed my mind” he said keeping a calm tone, smiling softly as he looked over his shoulder. “I think I’ll just lie here with you”

Eiji got off his hips and nodded with a reassuring expression on his face. He leaned down next to the blond and caressed his face. 

“Sounds perfect to me”

After that day, Ash thought that the growing carnal need he felt towards the Japanese boy could be a mere physical reaction forced in his past. However, when he analyzed Eiji and his body as their situation was today, he still found that heat spreading through his cheeks. Actually, a part of him knew he would be disappointed if what he felt was not real and belonged to his past too. Happily, despite the occasional bump in the road, he was sure this desire was his own. Suddenly, the word  _ “reclaiming” _ made a lot more sense to him. 

Today, was one of those days which reassured him he  _ wanted _ the Japanese boy. He craved his touch. He took another glance at Eiji, who was currently folding the laundry on the sofa. He was wearing a grey tank top and a pair of shorts, like any Saturday afternoon. His outfit allowed him to appreciate his toned figure and his lightly tanned skin. His usually oversized sweaters made Ash want to cuddle him, but his sporty clothes made his mouth go dry. 

The duality of Eiji Okumura. 

“Am I folding your clothes wrong or something?” Eiji suddenly asked. “You can fold it yourself if you want” he said with a laugh as he threw a green t-shirt straight to his face. THERE is something he didn’t see coming. 

“Aww… but you do it so well. You would really make a good wife!” he countered. 

Eiji blushed because of how different those words hit now. “Shut up” 

“Shut me up” Ash replied automatically. 

Eiji opened his eyes wide and stopped his folding. 

“Are… are you flirting with me?” 

“I thought you had noticed when we were making out on your bed the other day” he smiled. And OH GOD he was enjoying this. This was what flirting for fun felt like. There was absolutely nothing he needed from Eiji, just the priceless face he made. 

“Ash!!” Eiji scolded him, throwing him a pair of boxers this time. “W-what are you saying all of a sudden!” 

Ash caught the item mid-air and smirked. “Jeez, Eiji, now you’re even throwing your underwear at me?” 

Eiji’s face was impossibly red by now, completely tormented by Ash’s relentless teasing. He walked over to the dining table where the blonde was watching him from and snatched the garment from his hand. 

“Gimme that!” he turned around “I actually need to fold it..” he added embarrassed. 

Ash stood up and followed him with a mischievous smile. He grabbed a white t-shirt and started helping him out. 

“You’re cute when you get all flustered…and I’m not saying it for you to get even more flustered” he added quickly, his green eyes focused on the next shirt. 

Eiji huffed. “It’s easy for you to say it like that… you don’t get flustered at all” 

Ash’s expression changed from impish to a bit shy. “I do. I’m just way better at hiding it” 

Eiji centered his attention completely on Ash now. “You do?”

“I… I was looking at your body just now” he admitted, his eyes still lowered. 

The silence that stretched between them was different. Both of them were debating whether it was okay to continue talking about it. Eiji took a leap of faith. 

“Do… you like it? I mean… do you think you feel attracted to it?” he fidgeted with the pillowcase he was folding, nervous of the answer. 

“I know I like it” Ash finally looked up to meet Eiji’s gaze. His green eyes were intense. “I know I want to touch you more” 

And Eiji knew this was 100% Ash speaking. No sugar coating, no excessive seductive phrasing, nothing trained. Ash was sure he wanted more of him, even if he didn’t know what that meant yet.

Eiji felt his heart beating fast on his chest. What Ash did to him just with a look was incredible. 

“Ash…” he swallowed. 

“I… I’ve progressed” he stuttered, but Eiji could tell he was sure of what he was saying “I feel stronger now, and I trust myself” he swallowed too. 

“I know Ash, I’ve seen it” 

“Can you trust me too?” 

“I’ve always trusted you” Eiji smiled and stood in front of him, placing Ash’s head on his tummy, hugging him dearly. 

Ash hugged him back with a smile smashed against his abdomen, his arms around his waist. After a moment, he separated and looked at him from below. Eiji was still smiling, but a trace of nervousness was visible on the way he breathed. 

Ash’s fingers traveled from his lower back to his hips, and he lifted his tank top just enough to expose a bit of skin. He lightly ran the tip of his nose over his belly, making Eiji shiver with the warmth of his breath. He tangled his fingers in blonde locks, gently brushing Ash’s hair back. 

“Ash?”

“I’m here” he muttered with his eyes closed “I’m still here”

He lifted his top even further and placed a kiss right on top of his left hip. Eiji sucked in his breath and closed his eyes too. Ash began to leave a trail of slow and feather-light kisses on his abdomen and hips, while his hands wandered from Eiji’s sides to his back, massaging and just  _ touching _ as he wanted. 

“Let me kiss you too” Eiji finally whispered, looking down at him. 

Ash looked up and smiled, part of his playfulness back on his expression. He nuzzled his knees between Eiji’s and pulled him in to make him straddle him. Eiji squeaked surprised when he felt out of balance, his knees landing on the sofa and his hands grabbing at Ash’s shoulders for leverage. 

“Ash!” he giggled. 

The protest he was about to make died in his mouth when Ash pressed their lips together in a kiss. He rested his hands on Eiji’s hips, tracing small circles with his thumbs. Ash inhaled deeply and then separated to take a look at Eiji. He was a bit dazed but managed a sheepish smile nevertheless. 

They connected their lips again and forgot about the whole world. Ash kissed him purposefully now, his tongue exploring as slow and intoxicating as Ash wanted. He let his hands be his eyes as he palmed beneath Eiji’s shirt, delighting when the muscles tensed and relaxed at his touch. He caressed his back, then his abdomen, going up…

“Ash…” Eiji panted against his mouth when he felt a timid brush against his nipple. 

The blonde inhaled, turned on by the sound and rolled his eyes. There it was again, the wave of hot desire washing over him. Now he was sure it was entirely his own. 

“Part your lips again” Ash managed to say. His voice sounded rasped and lower. 

They both crashed their lips hungrily and desperate. Eiji’s hands were still holding at his shoulders, but soon he let his own instincts take control. He angled Ash’s head to kiss him deeper, wet noises making the tip of his ears red with embarrassment. After a couple of minutes, he noticed his legs slightly shaking and trying to close around Ash’s waist. That’s when he noticed the bulge in his shorts was definitely noticeable now. 

He briefly panicked and tried to slow down their makeout session. “Ash, let’s calm down…” 

“Do you really want to?” he asked him, his breath uneven too “of course we can stop, but I’m just wondering if you really want to stop”

Eiji held his gaze and bit his lower lip, trying to put a bit of distance between his crotch and Ash’s body. 

“I… I don’t. But…” 

Ash looked between them and understood Eiji’s reaction. His own heart raced and the heat on his lower belly grew even more. Even if they had kissed and slept together, he had never seen Eiji in that state. The other usually separated his body or tried to slow down when things became too heated between them. 

“You’re embarrassed” he said, and Eiji just turned his face. 

“I’m sorry” he almost whispered.

“Please, don’t apologize. Not you.” he ran a thumb across his cheek. “I want to keep going if you want to…” he added loud enough just for the two of them to hear.

Eiji looked at him again, still doubtful. “Just… tell me if you feel uncomfortable at any point” 

“We’ve had this talk before” 

“It doesn’t hurt to remind you”

“True” 

And Eiji kissed him again, scooting his body closer. He felt Ash close his grip on his left hip and press him closer against him. He panted when he noticed the blonde’s own hardness poking against him, and a new shiver ran from his groin all the way to the back of his neck. He gasped throwing his head back as Ash grunted, trembling just a little.

“You…?”

“This is a first time for me too” he joked nervously, but happy.

“Keep going” Eiji pleaded breathily. 

And Ash did. He pressed his forehead against Eiji’s and rolled his hips forward, relishing the waves of pleasure that were invading the two of them. He heard himself let out a moan that sounded foreign but very truthful at the same time. His voice was not honey-thick and higher-pitched like he was taught to fake, but lower and more ragged. 

Eiji was practically combusting on his lap. His face was completely flushed now, his hips moving erratically and inexperiencedly to meet Ash’s. 

“Eiji…” he heard the other say his name. 

“Want to stop?” he asked, slowing down the movement. 

Ash looked up at him and swallowed. 

“I want to… go all the way” he said, his voice still trembling. 

Eiji froze the roll of his hips completely. 

“Today? Now?” he gulped. 

“I just know I’m ready and that it is something I want to share with you”.

Eiji swallowed hard. “And… how are we going to…?”

“You can top” Ash shrugged “I’m more experienced taking it” 

Eiji hated the way that was phrased. He shook his head. 

“I was thinking… you could top. That way it would be new for both of us” he suggested. 

Ash considered it but was still not convinced. “Eiji, I don’t think you know what you’re saying. It will hurt”

“And I trust you completely” he paused and then added “And c’mon! I know I’m a virgin and inexperienced but I know more or less what to expect. I’m not THAT innocent” 

Ash laughed too and kissed the bridge of his nose. 

“So? You want to take this to the bedroom?” Ash asked him, trying to play it off as confident but still clearly nervous.

“Lead the way”. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can follow me on Twitter as @Kamikama__


	3. Aftershock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! this took me a while. I'm sorry for how long it has been, but writing this chapter specifically was extremely challenging. There were a lot of things I wanted to transmit, and I still think I couldn't, but I'm happy with how it turned out.  
> So, final chapter!:

_“I have scars on my hands from touching certain people…Certain heads, certain colors and textures of human hair leave permanent marks on me.”  
― J.D. Salinger, _ _Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters & Seymour: An Introduction_

_Ash closed the book on his lap and let his head fall back, looking at the ceiling. Eiji’s rustling in the kitchen made him turn around and watch him look for a certain pot._

_He sighed._

_Salinger was right. There were scars on his body from things he had done and were done to him in the past. He ached to hug Eiji, but the marks on him reminded him he was not worth it. It was his first month working with Dr. Lewis, and although he had seen some minor progress, when he read passages like those, he thought he would never heal. He felt at the beginning of a long and tiring journey that only went up. His destination seemed so far away sometimes that he thought about just giving up again. Hell, he didn’t even know if his goal was attainable._

_Every inch of him told him it was not possible, but there was a louder and gentler voice by his side, telling him to keep going. Step by step, taking breaks if necessary. There was no deadline to complete his journey either, he just needed to believe and keep going._

_Ash smiled and put the book back on the shelf._

\------------------------

“You’re tickling me!” Eiji laughed.

They had made their way to the bedroom, but the mood had changed the minute Ash had gently pushed Eiji over the bed. He was now on top of him, trying to slip his trembling fingers under Eiji’s shirt.

“I was not trying to tickle you” Ash let out a breathy laugh, amused by Eiji’s reaction.

They were both nervous but excited. Ash was amazed by how good anticipation could feel. For him, anticipation had always been a terrible feeling which usually involved clenching his fists and tensing up completely. Right now, he felt his lips and hands itch to touch and be touched again. 

“Ash?” Eiji asked.

Ash connected his jade eyes to Eiji’s.

“I’m happy” he smiled tenderly. “I’m happy we have each other”

Ash stood still for a second, processing how much love Eiji’s words were holding. He swallowed.

“I’m happy too…” he replied in a whisper.

Eiji ran his fingers through Ash’s hair and then raised an eyebrow with a fun-loving smile.

“By the way, if you keep tickling me, I’m going to tickle you back”

“Oh? Is that a threat? I think I already told you… you need to go back at least 15 years if you want to beat me…” Ash smirked back.

The blond made his finger travel mischievously under Eiji’s shirt, this time with no trembling. He poked Eiji’s side and felt the other jump in place as they began to wrestle playfully on the bed.

Eiji laced their fingers together as he wriggled his legs around, fighting to switch their positions and at least poke Ash’s tummy ONCE. They started laughing so much that none of them had enough strength to wrestle for real. It was only after Eiji hooked his ankle around Ash’s leg that he could roll over and tickle him once before Ash rolled over him again.

“Wait… wait… wait…” Ash said out of breath, still laughing “How did you do that?!”

It was Eiji’s turn to smirk, even from below. “Surprised?”

“When did you learn how to free yourself from a grip like this?” Ash said, truly curious now.

“Well, if being kidnaped three times is not enough for me to learn this… I don’t know what is…” he said, finally catching his breath. “Max taught me once”

“Well done” Ash nodded satisfied. “…but you left your neck unprotected” he quickly added, tickling the exposed skin.

“Ash!” Eiji laughed again.

“…and your ribs!”

Eiji squirmed and laughed beneath him. Ash chuckled too, completely lost in the beautiful sound of Eiji’s laughter against his ears. He suddenly identified a movement Eiji was trying to make to switch their positions again, but he was quicker and pinned his wrist over his head.

“Gotcha”

Eiji’s breathing was quick again, his cheeks were a bright red from moving around so much.

“Not… fair” he said.

Ash put on a cocky smile, but it became softer when the image in front of him began sinking into his mind.

Eiji was alive and well right in front of him. He was laughing carefree and there was no one chasing after them. He allowed his mind to go even further and take a proper look at his face. His cheeks were rosy, warm, and soft, and his lips were parted to even out his breath. He leaned down still pinning his hands above his head and spoke close enough for their lips to brush lightly.

“You’re beautiful” he said.

He was not teasing. It was just a whisper of truth he needed to verbalize.

Eiji smiled coyly and left a timid peck on his lips. They both locked their gaze, the atmosphere in the room filled again with the signature tension of a first time.

“Kiss me, Ash” Eiji whispered, his eyes already half-closed.

And of course, Ash complied.

He let Eiji’s hands free to cup his face and he used his own to hold Eiji’s neck. Ash felt his heart beating wildly on his chest, not from arousal but happiness. He had never experienced a kiss or sensual touches after laughing so much. Associating one with the other was new and comforting.

“Touch me all you want” he said after breaking the kiss. “I’ll let you know if something’s not right, like always”

Eiji nodded, knowing that he no longer needed to doubt what Ash told him. If that’s what he wanted, he believed it.

Eiji started to tug Ash’s shirt up, running his fingertips through the pale skin. Ash was beautiful, but not only in the way others saw him. He ran his index and middle finger through every scar and scratch he still had on his arms and chest. Each one of those marks were proof of all the times he had put himself in danger to save him, to save his friends, to fight for his life.

 _“You have certain scars on your hands, Ash…”_ he thought as the blond was devouring his lips _“…but all of them make you beautiful”_

Eiji felt Ash’s hands moving beneath his own tank top, urging him to sit up just a little to take the garment off. He laughed amused when it briefly got stuck on his head.

“You see? This is because you’re so pig-headed” he giggled.

Eiji pouted. “My head is normal-sized”

Ash kissed his forehead sweetly. “That’s a synonym for ‘stubborn’, you dummy”

Eiji didn’t have time to protest again before Ash came back to capture his lips. He had just realized that he was no longer wearing a shirt, and he wanted to see Ash too. He slid the white garment over the blonde’s head and broke the kiss to admire the view. The lean but strong muscles were making his gut ignite in fire, and the pair of green eyes looking down at him were urging him to kiss him again as if his life depended on it.

When they kissed hugging tightly, Eiji thought he might melt right then and there. The feeling of another naked body pressed to him was foreign to him, but he became addicted the minute it happened. It was so intimate that it reminded him of a kiss, but between Ash’s raging heart and his. 

For Ash, it was something he couldn’t understand. This whole experience.

He was experienced, he knew, but the more he was falling into the moment, the more he was behaving like a first-timer. His fingers caressed skin erratically, doubting where and how to touch, unsure of how to proceed. When he felt Eiji’s bare skin under his, he pressed his lips into a tight line to suppress the embarrassing gasp of pleasure he felt at the contact. The warmth of his body was so welcoming that he got even more nervous than before.

They kissed, and hugged, and held each other by mere instinct. Both of them caressing every inch of their bodies, taking off the remaining clothing impeding them from being closer. Their kisses became more heated, the air in the room growing hotter with each breath escaping their lips in moans and gasps. Ash felt Eiji sit up, his back against the headboard, and then begun to leave a trail of kisses down his neck. Eiji’s hands were shaking and sweaty stroking his sides, but they were doing their best to transmit all his love in their touch. He wanted to be gentle, loving, and honest, all of what Ash already knew Eiji was.

The blond let out a whimper when he felt Eiji’s thumbs massaging small circles on his hipbones, and he thrusted forward in response. He swallowed and reached a hand between them, still trembling from his wrist.

“Oh God…. Ash…”

And he knew he was lost. He knew they would definitely cross the line tonight, and he couldn’t wait for it. He reached for some lube on his night table with his free hand, his eyes transfixed in the image of Eiji biting his bottom lip and melting under his touch.

“Eiji… I-I need to prepare you to…” Ash stammered.

“Oh God…” Eiji moaned again, completely gone. “Please…”

Ash swallowed and proceeded with his task. The ball of nerves in his stomach grew a bit more knowing this was a big step and he couldn’t mess up. This had to be good for Eiji.

He heard a surprised gasp after his first tentative touch. He looked up to check if Eiji was okay.

“It’s cold…” the other just said with a giggle masking his embarrassment.

“It will warm up” he assured him, continuing his job. “Why don’t you lay down again? It’s easier for me to… uh…”

Eiji did as he was told and he bit his lips suppressing a smile. “Are you suddenly shy?”

Ash pursed his lips half-embarrassed and teased him mischievously with a skillful pump. He got a breathy moan in reward.

“How can you be so calm??” he asked, halting his movements. “This is your first time, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is! But… it’s you. It was my first time in many other things I did here in New York too, but all of them were with you. Even in the most terrifying situations, I was able to remain calm because we were together. This?” he asked, motioning his hand towards Ash’s cheeks “This is nothing to be afraid of. I’m feeling so good right now…”

Ash thought about a million things to reply, but he knew those brown eyes looking up at him were not really expecting an answer right now. Instead, he smiled reassured, and resumed his movements.

“I bet you are…”

And he kissed him again.

They lost track of time relishing the new sensations from each touch, getting to know each other in a totally new level. Their bodies had always communicated well, but these were new words spoken. The warmth, the pressure, each sound that escaped their lips was something to be treasured in their minds. After a while, Eiji’s pleased moans became a high-pitched plea that was driving Ash insane. He knew he was ready.

“Ash… please… I’m fine already…” Eiji’s forehead was covered in sweat.

“I know… I know…” he said, reaching for a condom behind Eiji’s head, and putting it on in one quick motion. 

Ash placed a pillow behind Eiji’s hips, leaving a quick bite on the area. His breathing was unsteady and his skin was burning. When he closed his eyes for a moment, his head swayed and he felt dizzy, about to lose his balance. The panic of this impossible fall sent a shot of adrenaline to his chest, and suddenly there was a lot to assimilate. For a moment, it all seemed too wet, too sensitive, too naked, too dangerous. He trembled a second and he separated just enough to breathe. 

_“Ash?”_ he heard Eiji’s voice far away but he chose not to answer.

He knew he could do this.

Grounding. 

Grounding through his senses. 

He had done it before and he could do it now. He needed to refocus on the present and decide if he actually wanted to keep going.

_Sound._ He sharpened his hearing and listened attentively. He could hear the tick-tack from the bird-shaped clock in their bedroom. Eiji had bought it because it reminded him of Nori Nori, but Ash agreed to buy it because birds reminded him of Eiji. 

_Smell._ He took a deep breath. The room smelled of fresh laundry, the detergent brand they were used to now. He could also perceive a faint scent of vanilla from the cookies Eiji was baking earlier, and something muskier but intimate at the same time.

 _Touch._ He slid the palm of his hands over Eiji’s thighs. This was familiar and soft skin. It was new, tender, smooth, warm, and welcoming.

 _Taste._ The characteristic taste of Eiji’s kisses was all he could taste. The fresh mint of toothpaste mixed with something indescribable and addictive. 

_Sight._ He opened his eyes. He saw a pair of brown eyes, the same he had seen almost three years ago, full of love, affection, and desire. He loved the way those swollen red lips parted, waiting for him in every kiss. He loved the way his breathing quickened because of him. He loved the boy in front of him. He loved Eiji so much, and he knew he was loved back.

He smiled proudly. This was all he wanted, these were all his own feelings. The hardness between his legs was there because of how much he wanted Eiji, and no one else. There was no shame in what they wanted, and since this was resolutely _their_ moment, he was going to leave any unpleasant memories exactly where he wanted: away.

“You okay?” Eiji asked again.

“Better than ever” he answered, and Eiji’s heart ached when he realized how truthful his words were. 

He felt Eiji’s fingers curl around his neck and pull him gently for a kiss. Ash responded with a languid and open-mouthed kiss and then shot him a look Eiji had never seen when they separated.

“I’m gonna make you feel good today” he promised, his green eyes almost liquid with his words.

Eiji’s heart skipped a beat and he didn’t find the words to respond to that. He had just been consumed by the undeniable and staggering beauty of Ash Lynx, and his mouth had gone dry.

When Ash lined his hips to Eiji’s entrance and pushed a bit, things got blurry for both of them. For Eiji, there was a wave of pain dissolving slowly into pleasure that took away his breath. He held into his lover’s shoulders, digging his nails as he felt himself being filled inch by inch. He could hear Ash’s gentle but shaky questions to see if he was doing fine, but he couldn’t verbalize anything in response. He nodded desperately and threw his head back, consumed by the overwhelming sensations of this new experience.

For Ash, it was losing control of time and place desperately slow. The moment he started sinking into Eiji’s body he had to fight the urge to push harder. The heat and tightness closing around him were pushing him to the edge, but it was nothing compared with the sight in front of him. He made sure to keep his eyes open, ready to stop whenever it became too much for Eiji to handle, but he just nodded to tell him to keep going. He tensed every muscle of his body, grabbing Eiji’s hips harder than he intended. He kept connecting their bodies closer, closer, and _closer_ … until it was physically impossible to go further. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, and he leaned down slowly and carefully to hold Eiji in his arms.

“A-Ash…” Eiji stammered, his arms gripping his shoulders in a tight hug and his legs hooked around the blond’s waist.

Ash pressed their lips together, giving him time to adjust to the new sensation.

“I love you… I love you so much…” he whispered between each kiss.

Eiji tried to tell him he loved him too, but all he could do was gasp when he felt the first thrust. From there, his brain disconnected from his mouth. He found himself babbling and making unintelligible sounds in a mixture of broken English and Japanese. This seemed to fuel Ash even more, who was already getting lost in the moment.

He was on could nine.

He could feel Eiji’s fingers tangled on his hair, and his body trembling every time he thrust deeper or sucked hard enough under his ear. He bit the spot lightly and ran the tip of his wet tongue down to his collarbone, intoxicated by the taste of his skin. He grazed his teeth once again and marveled with the exquisite sound that left Eiji’s lips. He kept kissing, nibbling and tasting every inch of Eiji’s body, just as he had wished for months. He could feel the other boy’s arms closing around his waist, and his hips thrusting upwards involuntarily to meet him. He kneeled between Eiji and held his hips up, grabbing him from his thighs. He sped up the pace and saw Eiji arch his back.

Ash was enjoying this.

He was truly drowning in pleasure, edging his own orgasm every time he sank into Eiji’s body again. He smiled, happy, proud, and unapologetically self-assured.

 _“This how I like it…”_ he thought as he rolled his hips in tandem _“This is my own pleasure… and it feels so right…”_

He drank the bits of his name that spilled out of Eiji's mouth. The moans and groans became a loud cry from Eiji’s throat when Ash angled his hips up. He kept his pace steady and watched Eiji become a babbling mess melting beneath him. After a few more thrusts, Eiji’s heels were pushing him deeper, deeper and _deeper_ … and he knew they were both near. 

“God Eiji… you’re killing me…” he grunted, kissing his inner thigh as he kept thrusting in sensual waves.

Eiji was clutching the sheets with his left hand, and holding for dear life with his right hand on Ash’s bicep. This was much more than what he had imagined, and he didn’t even know his body was capable of feeling so intensely. Watching Ash enjoy himself so much for something he had worked SO HARD for months only made his chest feel warmer and fuller. The least he could do was to be as truthful as possible, leaving aside all shame or insecurities. They were both naked for the first time after all, literally and metaphorically. No one had ever heard Eiji come undone like this, or watch him plead and cry shamelessly like he was. That was a way of being naked, and he didn’t feel shame at all. For Ash, it was much more complex, but it was also the first time someone saw his face twist in real pleasure. Ash moved as if under a spell, rolling his hips in a serpentine motion, pushing both of them near the edge.

“Ash.. Ash… I’m… I’m gonna…” Eiji panted, his body reaching his limit.

Before he could finish his sentence, he felt Ash’s fingers close around his length and stroke him in rhythm with his thrusts. The green in his eyes was darker with lust and love, his expression devouring him entirely.

“Come for me, Eiji…” he said, and that was all he needed.

Eiji arched his back as the hot ball that had been building on his lower abdomen exploded inside him, sending an involuntary shiver through his body. He spilled over his abdomen and his lover’s hand.

Ash’s orgasm came as a surprise. He felt Eiji tighten around him as he heard him whine, and he just had time to thrust deeply twice before his hips jerked erratically and he was suddenly drowning in ecstasy with a low grunt. White-hot pleasure behind his eyelids as he panted heavily. He grabbed the other's hips with almost all his force through the waves of intense pleasure still making his body shake, and he lost track of time. 

Slowly, he came back to his senses, his limbs still too tired to move. He realized that he was actually slumped on top of Eiji, who was also trying to catch his breath.

“Sorry…” he giggled “I must be heavy”

“Stay… like that” Eiji managed to say, hugging him lovingly.

He embraced Eiji back for a moment, closing his eyes to enjoy the peace of the moment. After a few seconds, he lifted himself up to take a look at the mess they both were.

“As much as I love this… I think I need to clean ourselves a bit first”

Eiji scrunched his nose when he peered between them. “Yeah, you’re right” he chuckled.

Ash pulled out slowly and carefully, making sure to be gentle. He tied the condom and wobbled to the bathroom to toss it and get some wipes to clean themselves. He came back in no time and quickly wiped away the sticky substance from their bodies. They would take a proper shower afterwards.

Eiji turned to his side and Ash lied down next to him face to face, setting his arm as a pillow for the man’s head. Eiji looked up at him, his brown round eyes were half-lidded, tired, and satisfied. He had a smile that would restore his faith in the world.

“You look pleased…” Ash commented with a smile he didn’t know was there.

“I am… I can’t believe how lucky I am…”

“How curious. I was thinking the same thing”

They both stayed in a comfortable silence listening to the almost inexistent world outside their room. The tick-tack of their clock still reminded them there were alive. After some minutes, Eiji felt his body become heavy and he was starting to drift off to sleep. He barely opened his eyes, but it was enough to see a tear run down Ash’s cheek, which ended up disappearing in the corner of a soft smile.

“Ash? What’s wrong?” he asked immediately, his hand reaching forward to wipe away another tear threatening to leave his eyes.

“Absolutely nothing” he said, opening his eyes. “Absolutely nothing is wrong, Eiji” he sniffed and stroked the back of Eiji’s neck.

“Are you sure?”

“There were moments when I thought I would never make it. I thought I would never be able to enjoy myself… but Eiji, I had never experienced something like this before. It felt… amazing…” he said, wiping away another tear. "And I cannot believe how much I was turned on by pleasuring you. I'm happy, Eiji. I feel whole..." 

Eiji smiled and pressed a kiss to the other’s lips that tasted like a promise.   
  


Ash’s life had been earthquake after earthquake, and these episodes of anguish and guilt were the aftershocks of it. Now, he was on his journey to live the life he wanted besides the person he loved the most. He knew this didn’t mean his healing process what complete. God no. This was only one of the many changes he was getting after working on himself for so long. He also knew that this didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have setbacks on his progress, and Eiji knew it too.

But that was not a problem. They had an eternity to work on that.

\-------------------------------------

**6 years later…**

Emma turned off the lights of her office and checked the keys inside her handbag. She waved the secretary goodbye and started walking outside the building. After a block, she noticed a couple walking a dog in her direction, and a smile formed on her lips. Their silhouette was unmistakable. It had been a year since her last regular session with Ash.

When they were close enough to recognize her, Ash’s face lit up immediately. A lot had changed in Ash since the first time that distrustful boy had entered her office. Now his steps were lighter, his smile was sincere and open, and his eyes… had hope in them again.

“Dr. Lewis!” Ash greeted her. He was wearing a long trench coat and a black sweater. He had gotten taller and his hair was a bit longer.

“I told you to just call me Emma, Ash” she said returning the hug Ash had was giving her. “Eiji, it’s been so long!” she said, hugging him next.

“Emma, it’s nice to see you here” Eiji said, clearly excited to meet her too.

“And who’s this handsome boy huh?” she said squatting down to pet the Golden Retriever’s head.

“This is Buddy” Eiji told her. “C’mon Buddy, shake her hand” he prompted.

Buddy responded to the command and extended his right paw to the doctor. She shook hands/paws amused and stood up again.

“I see you guys doing well, am I right?”

“Ash just got promoted” Eiji informed her proudly. “You’re looking at the new Editor-in-Chief from the company”

“Oh my goodness! Congratulations Ash, you deserve it”

Ash scratched the back of his neck and thanked her with a sheepish smile.

“Well… I don’t think it would have been possible without your help. None of this…” Ash added, squeezing Eiji’s hand. “Thank you for everything Emma…”

Dr. Lewis looked at him in silence with an affectionate smile on her lips.

“Do you remember what you asked me the first time you entered my office?”

Ash seemed surprised. He tried to remember but he couldn’t.

“Sorry… I really don’t. Shit, I could’ve said any crap that crossed my mind”

“Ash!” Eiji scolded him “Sorry, his language hasn’t changed much”

Emma laughed amused. “You asked me why I had become a therapist”

Ash blinked twice. He remembered. He remembered asking that in a much more demanding tone than the one Emma had just used.

“This is why” she said.

Both Ash and Eiji looked at her and understood. They shared a look full of gratefulness and they were at loss for words.

Suddenly, a chilly breeze reminded them it was getting quite dark.

“I should get going” she said. “It was nice to see you guys again. Visit me in my office sometimes and we can drink tea while we look at some of Eiji’s gorgeous photographs okay?”

They nodded and hugged her tightly once again before continuing their evening stroll.

“Emma looks exactly the same” Eiji commented, grabbing Ash’s hand again and intertwining their fingers. The golden band around his ring finger clashed briefly with Ash’s.

“She does.” He nodded “…and at the same time she doesn’t”

“Huh?”

“I think it’s because when I met her, I viewed her as an enemy. Then she was my therapist… but now, after how much we have progressed… she’s a friend I feel very grateful to” he reflected, looking up at the sky.

Eiji looked at him and grinned.

“You’ve changed…”

“Are you gonna return me?” he asked in feigned distress.

“I cannot!” Eiji joked, showing him his ring, and they both laughed wholeheartedly. 

“Well, you’ll just have to put up with me then until we’re a couple of old geezers”

They walked in silence, not another soul on the street. No one could erase their smiles.

“Forever”

“Forever”

THE END. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading "Aftershock"! Your comments always made my day and I feel satisfied knowing that you enjoyed them. 
> 
> You can follow me on Twitter as @Kamikama__


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